Existential Crisis: A Bad Start

United Kingdom

This morning I received a wonderful letter of encouragement and support from Sripad Akinchan Maharaj which did anything *but* encourage and support me. Why? Because it acted as a big fat reminder that maybe, just maybe, leaving my family, home, job and university education to live in India for the rest of my life is a big step to take. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed by a million and one questions: ‘Why am I doing this? How did it all start? Why was I so attracted to live in Nabadwip so much anyway? Nabadwip is a spiritual place which cannot be seen with mundane vision, so what is it that I see, what is it that I am in touch with that attracts me and makes me feel at home there?’ Everything was in doubt: ‘Is it my imagination  that I was happy there, is it even my imagination that Srila Gurudev asked me to stay, and said “I will be very happy if you stay?” ’

And why do I think I could survive anyway? There are many others who have tried to do this kind of thing before and failed – so why should I think I am any different?

There was a part of me which just wanted to push aside all these doubts, ignore them and pretend everything was OK. But, as Akinchan Maharaj pointed out in this very letter:

You have to confront these doubts *before* you make such a leap! You are taking a big step, a big risk -- for what? To make progress in spiritual life.

And as Srila Sridhar Maharaj reminds us in Sri Guru and His Grace, "...We must not make progress in a slumber, but we must go forward with our eyes always opened."

If I don’t confront these questions now, before I take this step, then it may be that in the future, when it matters most, these doubts will overwhelm me, causing me to fall and lose my way. As Srila Sridhar Maharaj says in ‘Search for Sri Krishna,’

"If one who has much affinity towards worldly life suddenly leaves that, he may not keep up his vows; he may go down again. So, according to personal capacity we must make gradual progress. That is to be taken into consideration."

At the same time, there is faith. As Srila Sridhar Maharaj continues:

"But still, we should always be eager to give up everything and devote ourselves exclusively to the highest duty. Those who have enough courage will jump into the unknown, thinking, "Krishna will protect me, I am jumping in the name of God. He is everywhere; He will take me on His lap." With this idea, one who has real eagerness for the truth may leap forward."

I once had an uncle who would often quote Malcolm X. One of his favourite lines was: “Analysis is paralysis”. If I sit and look at myself and try to find an answer to all my doubts, try to find a reason for why I could possibly succeed, I will only find myself in a never-ending downward spiral of mental speculation. But if I look away from myself towards the centre, towards my Guru, my high ideal and my Guru’s desire, that may give me some faith (“Krishna will protect me, I am jumping in the name of God”), and it is that very faith that will protect me.

I cannot wait for the day when I will find some qualification in myself, because that day will never come. And, as Srila Sridhar Maharaj says in Sri Sri Prapanna Jivanamrtam [6.13], "Even a totally unqualified person is not unfit to surrender" (or in my case, *attempt* to surrender). His Divine Grace then illustrates this by quoting a beautiful verse by Sri Yamunacharyya:

na dharmma-nistho 'smi na chatma-vedi
na bhaktimams tvac caranaravinde
akincano 'nanya-gatih saranya
tvat pada-mulam saranam prapadye

"O supreme refuge, I am not religious, I do not know the nature of the soul, nor have I any devotion for Your holy lotus feet; therefore I am bereft -- I am bereft of all good, and I am bereft of any other shelter. Such as I am, I surrender unto the dust of Your lotus feet."

My only qualification is that I have a connection with the highest thing; that I am a disciple of Srila Govinda Maharaj in the family of Sri Chaitanya Saraswat Math. That connection has taken me to this point, to this crossroads in my life, so I can only have faith that this same connection will continue to protect me and guide me in the future.

On my own it is impossible, on my own I am nothing. And if I do fail? Well at least I tried, right guys?

In the letter I received today, Akinchan Maharaj offered some reassurance by quoting:

nehabhikrama-naso 'sti / pratyavayo na vidyate
svalpam apy asya dharmasya / trayate mahato bhayat

"There is never any loss in the search for Sri Krishna, nor
does such an attempt go in vain. Indeed, even the most
meager effort to connect with that reality can save you from
the most dangerous type of fear [repeated birth and death]."
--Bhagavad-Gita, 2.40

Martin Luther King Jr. has a pretty good line which also seems appropriate here:

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree today."

United Kingdom

This morning I received a wonderful letter of encouragement and support from Sripad Akinchan Maharaj which did anything *but* encourage and support me. Why? Because it acted as a big fat reminder that maybe, just maybe, leaving my family, home, job and university education to live in India for the rest of my life is a big step to take. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed by a million and one questions: ‘Why am I doing this? How did it all start? Why was I so attracted to live in Nabadwip so much anyway? Nabadwip is a spiritual place which cannot be seen with mundane vision, so what is it that I see, what is it that I am in touch with that attracts me and makes me feel at home there?’ Everything was in doubt: ‘Is it my imagination  that I was happy there, is it even my imagination that Srila Gurudev asked me to stay, and said “I will be very happy if you stay?” ’

And why do I think I could survive anyway? There are many others who have tried to do this kind of thing before and failed – so why should I think I am any different?

There was a part of me which just wanted to push aside all these doubts, ignore them and pretend everything was OK. But, as Akinchan Maharaj pointed out in this very letter:

You have to confront these doubts *before* you make such a leap! You are taking a big step, a big risk -- for what? To make progress in spiritual life.

And as Srila Sridhar Maharaj reminds us in Sri Guru and His Grace, "...We must not make progress in a slumber, but we must go forward with our eyes always opened."

If I don’t confront these questions now, before I take this step, then it may be that in the future, when it matters most, these doubts will overwhelm me, causing me to fall and lose my way. As Srila Sridhar Maharaj says in ‘Search for Sri Krishna,’

"If one who has much affinity towards worldly life suddenly leaves that, he may not keep up his vows; he may go down again. So, according to personal capacity we must make gradual progress. That is to be taken into consideration."

At the same time, there is faith. As Srila Sridhar Maharaj continues:

"But still, we should always be eager to give up everything and devote ourselves exclusively to the highest duty. Those who have enough courage will jump into the unknown, thinking, "Krishna will protect me, I am jumping in the name of God. He is everywhere; He will take me on His lap." With this idea, one who has real eagerness for the truth may leap forward."

I once had an uncle who would often quote Malcolm X. One of his favourite lines was: “Analysis is paralysis”. If I sit and look at myself and try to find an answer to all my doubts, try to find a reason for why I could possibly succeed, I will only find myself in a never-ending downward spiral of mental speculation. But if I look away from myself towards the centre, towards my Guru, my high ideal and my Guru’s desire, that may give me some faith (“Krishna will protect me, I am jumping in the name of God”), and it is that very faith that will protect me.

I cannot wait for the day when I will find some qualification in myself, because that day will never come. And, as Srila Sridhar Maharaj says in Sri Sri Prapanna Jivanamrtam [6.13], "Even a totally unqualified person is not unfit to surrender" (or in my case, *attempt* to surrender). His Divine Grace then illustrates this by quoting a beautiful verse by Sri Yamunacharyya:

na dharmma-nistho 'smi na chatma-vedi
na bhaktimams tvac caranaravinde
akincano 'nanya-gatih saranya
tvat pada-mulam saranam prapadye

"O supreme refuge, I am not religious, I do not know the nature of the soul, nor have I any devotion for Your holy lotus feet; therefore I am bereft -- I am bereft of all good, and I am bereft of any other shelter. Such as I am, I surrender unto the dust of Your lotus feet."

My only qualification is that I have a connection with the highest thing; that I am a disciple of Srila Govinda Maharaj in the family of Sri Chaitanya Saraswat Math. That connection has taken me to this point, to this crossroads in my life, so I can only have faith that this same connection will continue to protect me and guide me in the future.

On my own it is impossible, on my own I am nothing. And if I do fail? Well at least I tried, right guys?

In the letter I received today, Akinchan Maharaj offered some reassurance by quoting:

nehabhikrama-naso 'sti / pratyavayo na vidyate
svalpam apy asya dharmasya / trayate mahato bhayat

"There is never any loss in the search for Sri Krishna, nor
does such an attempt go in vain. Indeed, even the most
meager effort to connect with that reality can save you from
the most dangerous type of fear [repeated birth and death]."
--Bhagavad-Gita, 2.40

Martin Luther King Jr. has a pretty good line which also seems appropriate here:

"Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree today."

Comments

[ashi]

"Existential crisis"? Once a literature student, always a literature student....
Love the blog, love you! big hugs,
ashi

[Vaidehi]

AwesomeDamayanti.
You are doing what I have always desired to do.
You go girl.
That is very good. I also really like your blog.
What inspired you to begin this blog?
I have been wanting to start a web site but...i might as well keep sending stuff.

That blog is a good idea though especially since you are in INdia and you can connect all of us to that sweetness.

What you wrote is so sincere and what I feel all of the time!!
It is like you read my mind about some of those things. I wish I could dive into the unknown...
We can talk more about that.

At work right now!
Love you and your family lots
vaidehi

[carlettaJOYwalker]

It so nice that you can have all this outloud. Existential crisis are great especially when you're not an existentialist.

Here

Have
Eternity
Reflect
Eternity

love & joy
carletta