The University has been dropped, the bookstore quit and the last day of work worked. The ticket is booked, the visa is on its way, and my flight leaves this Saturday!
This is really happening.
All of a sudden the future looms ahead of me, bright, but also full of uncertainties and what-ifs: what if Srila Gurudev changes his mind about me staying in Nabadwip? And where exactly will he want me – in Nabadwip all the time, or in Calcutta also? And will I really live there for the rest of my life?
Meanwhile, the present is full of important necessities: finalizing my abrupt exit from university, filling out this form and that form, organizing my finances, packing, shopping….
And the past has also been making a claim on my time. As Saturday gets closer, I have been thinking more and more of all the people and places I would like to make a final goodbye to. Yesterday morning I took the courage to visit an estranged friend I hadn’t spoken to in about three years; although our friendship had ended on bad terms, we’d been like sisters at one point and I wanted to make amends before I left the country. On the way to her house, I passed through neighborhoods I’d grown up in, the school I left a few years ago and not one but two houses our family have lived in over the last ten years. The memories came flooding in, and by the time I’d reached my friend’s house I was feeling overwhelmed and almost frightened. Why am I doing this? The past is the past. Let it be! You have a future ahead of you. “Forget the past that sleeps!”
But I knew that if I didn’t do this now, I’d regret it later. So I rang the bell tentatively. “Damayanti!” Whew. A happy meeting.
After the first few minutes of chitchat, I dropped my bombshell: “You’re doing what?! Are you crazy? I don’t believe it! Are you feeling OK?” Two hours later, after I’d talked to her about everything from why I wasn’t crazy, to why we need a Guru, to the difference between the plane of exploitation and dedication, to where I thought I could get decent shampoo in India :-), she began asking all the questions I’d asked myself only a few weeks ago….
“But what’s so wonderful about it? Why were you so happy there? And why do you think you can do it? You’re only twenty [twenty-one now!]. Don’t people normally decide to do things like this when they’re much older? You’re so little! And India might be tough!”
If she’d asked me all this back then, I might have broken down and said “You’re right. Why should I think I can do it?” But somehow, these last few weeks have given me new perspective and a chance for growth: I told her the simple truth – I don’t know why I was so happy in Nabadwip, I just was. And I don’t know if I can survive living there for the rest of my life, but I’ve got to try, right? And because it is the desire of my Guru, my chances of success are greatly increased….
If I go trying to identify with my pure ego, which is: “I am a servant of my Guru” and I am doing this because it is his desire, then I may have some hope of success. In Sri Sri Prapanna Jivanamrtam is Mahaprabhu’s expression that
“I am not a priest, a king, a merchant, or a labourer (brahmana, ksatriya, vaisya, sudra); nor am I a student, a householder, a retired householder, or a mendicant (brahmachari, grhastha, vanaprastha, sannyasi). I identify myself only as a servant of the servant of the lotus feet of Sri Krishna, the Lord of the Gopis, who is the personification of the fully expanded (eternally self-revealing) nectarean ocean that brims with the totality of divine ecstasy.”
If I go identifying with my false ego: “I am a student, householder, etc etc, who therefore needs this and that” I will undoubtedly fail.
And since I am unable to even leave my false ego behind, I can remember that I can try to offer myself at the lotus feet of my Guru, as I am, false ego and all, in the faith that he will purify me as he sees necessary:
vapuradisu yo ’pi ko ’pi va
gunato ’sani yatha-tatha-vidhah
tad aham tava pada-padmayor
aham adyaiva maya samarpitah
“However I may be materially designated, however my character may be known – now, O Lord, this whole sense of ego is offered by me unto Your holy lotus feet.”
-Sri Yamunacharyya
Whatever conception I may have of myself - my nature or character - based on my sense perception and my identification with a particular material body within this material environment, does not matter, because I can now try to dedicate my entire sense of self at the lotus feet of my Guru: “this whole sense of ego is offered by me unto Your holy lotus feet.”
When my friend and I finally said goodbye, it was on good terms, and I promised to send her a picture of our Math in Nabadwip so she could have an idea of just why exactly it was so wonderful.
Back at home, I have a few forms to complete to finalize my ticket arrangements. Asha tells me she’s just received good news from Nitai Sundar, in the US, about a certain successful application for a ten-year Indian visa. My mother is on the phone planning a party that will be held at the end of this week, in honour of all the ‘October Birthdays’ within our London Math, the arrival of Sachi Didi and Pandita from Holland – and my own departure to India. Then I have a phone conversation myself, with Saraswati Didi, about looking after my health in India: “Vitamins, minerals, nourishment, be careful….”. I think we both know that, as usual, I will not follow a word of her advice (sorry Saraswati Mama!), but it’s a fun routine :-).
The future it seems, is reasserting itself, loud and clear…. It might even be appropriate to say: “The Future is Now!” :-).
You are a funny cow!
Posted by: sofia | Sunday, February 12, 2006 at 11:20 PM